A Strange Crossroads

I seem to be at some sort of really strange crossroads.  In parts of my day, I feel gripped by a state of intense apathy, searching for anything to escape the monotony of what I've been doing for ages.  In other parts, though, I am ensconced in an even more intense passion for everything around me; every sound, taste, touch, and sensation is amplified, and I feel as though a muse has put the very light of the Gods into my soul, and that my every action and utterance will produce seeds that edify and flower as I walk through the garden of my life.

These sensations are, to understate, fairly distinct.  And, strangely, they seem to originate from the same place: my collegiate experience over the last 4 years.

On the side of apathy, I feel tired of doing some of the same routines over and over.  I have written pages of meaningless work for many different professors, proving that I have the ability to write coherently and that I understand the material I've just read.  I have sat in on lectures concerning the same theories, the same ideologies, the same general difficulties of the years ahead.  I have poured through the busywork and have re-proven the basic competencies I thought I had shown mastery of in high school.  Yet, here I am, in my final semester, proving many of these same basic skills again.

Yet, on the opposite end of this spectrum, I have discovered incredible things about myself.  I found a love of international politics, and a desire to leave the world a better place than I found it.  I discovered student activism, which has been the hallmark of my time at university.  I found philosophy, and with it the treasure of a million unique ideas I'm only beginning to understand.  I found physics and chemistry, the sciences trying to understand the complex machinery of our world, and I found that the knowledge I thought I had is miniscule and in need of deep expansion.  I found poetry.  I even found love, real love, in the strangest of places and the furthest distance, but learned that such barriers are meaningless when surmounted by intense conviction, longing, mutual trust and purity of heart.

These final few months, despite my strange relationship with apathy and passion, I feel no ambivalence about moving on.  This chapter, as glorious as it was, is merely a prelude to the next story, which I intend to make as special, as unique, and as sincere in its passions as was my previous one, if not more so.  I indeed feel apathy for many of my tasks, but I also still feel the hunger for further knowledge, and the confidence in myself that I can bring big plans to fruition.

So, as this chapter closes, I'd like to pay tribute to everything that it was for me, and to offer a sincere hope that my actions here were for the better, and that any damage I may have caused along this path may in time be healed and overgrown with new joys.  I won't forget this time, and I won't forget those who sacrificed for me, or believed in me, and on the non-believers I wish no ill fortune, because I know that theirs is a part of the larger story as well.  The story that knows of no difference, and holds not to degrees or measures, but rather to the fullness and beauty of itself, which is eternal and unrelenting. 

Thank you, everyone, for allowing me to play my part.